SoaringWings
Ministries
He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
(Job 8:21)
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

*The outreach committee has enlisted 25
visitors to make calls on people who are not
afflicted with any church.

*The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

*The audience is asked to remain seated until
the end of the recession.

*Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday, 7.00 to 8:30pm. Please use the back
door.

*Anointing of the Sick: If you are going to be
hospitalized for an operation, contact the
pastor. Special prayer also for those who are
seriously sick by request.

*Ushers will eat latecomers.

*Finding the Love of Your Life: Practical
advice and spiritual perspectives for singles
looking for a mate every Sunday at 10:45 am.

*The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be
sung without musical accomplishment.

*Sermon this morning: "Women in the Church"
The closing song: "Rise Up O Men of God"

*Sermon this morning: "Gossip -The Speaking
of Evil" The closing song: "Love to Tell The
Story"

*Sermon this morning: "Contemporary Issues
#3 -Euthanasia" The closing song: "Take My
Life..."

*Sermon this morning: "Predestination -What
About Hell?" The closing song: "I'll Go Where
You Want Me To Go"

*Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be
speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church
in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha
Belch all the way from Africa.

*Announcement in the church bulletin for a
National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The
cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
conference includes meals."

*Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

*Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass
this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.

*Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands."

*Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire
at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and
guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come
for a fun time.

*The peacemaking meeting scheduled for
today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

*The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on
the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for
Jesus"

*Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.

*Barbara remains in the hospital and needs
blood donors for more transfusions. She is
also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

*This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the
south and north ends of the church. Children
will be baptized in both ends.

*Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk come early.

*Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of
the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to
be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor
in his study.

*This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs.
Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at
the altar.

*The ladies of the church have cast off
clothing of every kind and they may be seen in
the church basement on Friday afternoon.

*A bean super will be held on Saturday
evening in the church basement. Music will
follow.

*The rosebud on the altar this morning is to
announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

*For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of
our church and community.

*Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.

*Don't let worry kill you off - let the church
help.

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for
lunch. If you would like to make a donation, fill
out a form, enclose a check and drip in the
collection basket.

*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln
Country Club.

*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a
sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the
medication.

*Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My
Solo."

*Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the
birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

*If you choose to heave during the Postlude,
please do so quietly.

*We are grateful for the help of those who
cleaned up the grounds around the church
building and the rector.

*Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water
baptized on the table in the foyer.

*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees
because of their weight.

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the
information sheep.

*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover
level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

*The District Superintendent will be meeting
with the church boared.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men
will have a goof outing.

*Fifth Sinday is Lent.

*Thank you, dead friends.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their
wedding.

*Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed
and Easter.

*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His
benefits.

*For the word of God is quick and
powerful...piercing even to the dividing
asunder of soup and spirit.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth
peach to men.

*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during
bath weather.

*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

*We pray that our people will jumble
themselves.

*The choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the
choir.

*Evening massage - 6 pm.

*The audience is asked to remain seated until
the end of the recession.
Actual Excuse Notes from Parents (including
original spelling)

*My son is under a doctor's care and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was
sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John being
absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.

*Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his
hip.

*John has been absent because he had two
teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing
part.

*Megan could not come to school today
because she has been bothered by very close
veins.

*Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre
in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has
very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent
yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he
missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his
father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what
size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper
off the porch, and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because
she was tired. She spent a weekend with the
Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent
yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed
well.

*Please excuse Mary for being absent
yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was
having a gangover.

*Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and
under the doctor.
Examples of Unclear Writing Sentences taken
from actual letters received by the Welfare
Department in Application for Support.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and
six children. I had seven but one died which
was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say
my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get
my money?

3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a
year and has been visited regularly by the
clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can
you tell me why.

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is
missing is dead.

6. This is my eight child. What are you going to
do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead.
The man I am living with can't eat or drink until
he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find that you
have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty
lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy
weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and
my three children; one of which is a mistake as
you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two
weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty
soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my little boy into a girl.
Will this make any difference.

14. I have no children as my husband is a truck
driver and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instruction, I have
given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I
have been in bed with doctor for two weeks
and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't
improve I will have to send
for another doctor.

17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and
when he left we were happy, we hope this help
his caractor.
More Laughs
Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords

*The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the
children until it is cleared.

*This is to let you know that there is a smell
coming from the man next door.

*The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

*I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is
running away from the wall.

*I request your permission to remove my
drawers in the kitchen.

*Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now
in three pieces.

*Will you please send someone to mend our
cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped
on it and is now pregnant.

*Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two
children and would like a third, so will you
please send someone to do something about
it.

*Will you please send a man to look at my
water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

*Could you please send someone to fix our
bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it
is very uncomfortable for us.
Funny Cats
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