| SoaringWings Ministries |
| He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. (Job 8:21) |
| Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers *The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. *The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. *The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. *Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday, 7.00 to 8:30pm. Please use the back door. *Anointing of the Sick: If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request. *Ushers will eat latecomers. *Finding the Love of Your Life: Practical advice and spiritual perspectives for singles looking for a mate every Sunday at 10:45 am. *The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. *Sermon this morning: "Women in the Church" The closing song: "Rise Up O Men of God" *Sermon this morning: "Gossip -The Speaking of Evil" The closing song: "Love to Tell The Story" *Sermon this morning: "Contemporary Issues #3 -Euthanasia" The closing song: "Take My Life..." *Sermon this morning: "Predestination -What About Hell?" The closing song: "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" *Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. *Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." *Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. *Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. *Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." *Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. *The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. *The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" *Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. *Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. *This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both ends. *Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early. *Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study. *This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar. *The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon. *A bean super will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. *The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer. *For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. *Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. *Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. *Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. *Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. *Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. *Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. *Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo." *Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. *If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. *We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. *Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." *Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. *Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. *Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. *The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. *The District Superintendent will be meeting with the church boared. *As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. *Fifth Sinday is Lent. *Thank you, dead friends. *Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. *Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. *Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. *For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. *Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. *Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather. *The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. *Volunteers are needed to spit up food. *Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess *We pray that our people will jumble themselves. *The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. *Evening massage - 6 pm. *The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. |
| Actual Excuse Notes from Parents (including original spelling) *My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. *Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. *Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. *Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. *Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip. *John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. *Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. *Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. *Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. *Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. *Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. *Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. *Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. *I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. *Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. *Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. *My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. *Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. *Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. *Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. *Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. |
| Examples of Unclear Writing Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in Application for Support. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why. 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it. 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference. 14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. 16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor. 17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor. |
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| Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords *The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. *This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. *The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? *I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. *I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. *Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. *Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. *Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. *Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. *Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. |
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